Little Miracles

I realize I haven’t posted in a while. The reason I will give is that we started the egg retrieval process and immediately after I began a new chemo regimen. Needless to say, with all the side effects, I’ve been feeling less than well. On top of having back pain and generally feeling like a truck ran me over, I’ve become anemic and thus, walking even a few feet makes my heart race and I feel as if I’m going to pass out. And so that’s given me an easy out when it comes to doing just about anything these days. Unfortunately, I don’t want the out. The truth is I haven’t posted because I’ve let myself get too comfortable with being “sick” and “stuck” and “unable”. Yes, it even happens to positive people. Thankfully, I have the most upbeat husband in the world and he’s helped me to slowly put myself back on track. Here’s my take on how I got myself into this “black hole” and how I’m gradually crawling out of it by rejoicing in the little miracles of every day.



How it got this way:


It all started in December when I fractured a bone in my back. At first, it wasn’t so bad. I knew it would take time for my back to heal and it was easier to accept since it was ten degrees outside. Lounging on the couch all day was a welcome change to digging myself out of the blizzard. Then my fracture healed but I still felt bad, a result of the cancer in my bones progressing and the meds I was on failing to do their job. It’s about this time that we were really in the thick of the surrogacy issue, and so against doctor’s orders, I put off starting a new treatment until we had gotten through the retrieval process. This took about two weeks. I in no way regret our decision and am happy to report that we have three embryos frozen and waiting.


Immediately after the egg retrieval I began the new chemo protocol. It’s been a bit rough since it’s a harsher treatment and I now go to the doctor more frequently than before. Over the course of these past six months I’ve also been nauseous several times due to medications and thus have lost a considerable amount of weight, I’ve become anemic, I’ve slacked on eating well in lieu of just eating to gain weight, I’ve slacked on taking my vitamins and stopped exercising and going to acupuncture. I’ve gradually let go of everything that was supporting my well being. I’ve also allowed myself to feel sorry for myself a bit, and that may have been my biggest mistake.


So now here we are in June. I’m used to being a very active person, especially during the summer. It’s my favorite time of year. It’s a time filled with festivals, farmer’s markets and warm weather that’s perfect for the beach, the park, and vacations. I’ve looked forward to all of these things, and since I’m still physically unable to enjoy most of them, I let anger and sadness seep into my mind. My husband would ask what I would like to do today and my response would be “I want to do a lot of things, but I can’t”. Then I would get upset and cry. A much needed pep talk would ensue and I’d pull myself together for a bit. The problem was that unless I started living every day with a more positive outlook, I’d be stuck in this “down” place forever.


How I’m getting back on track: (and how you can too)


Fortunately, an article in O magazine helped me to realize that. It was about a woman who was diagnosed with stage IV cancer back in 1988. She was told she had a few months to live. Twenty-two years later and she’s still here to tell her story. The whole article is moving but I was deeply inspired by one particular quote from her. She said whenever she feels that she’s at the end of her rope she asks herself a question, “where are you right now?” The point of the question being that, where you are right now in this moment is usually not so bad of a place. And if we just ask ourselves this question and answer honestly, we’ll realize that if we just hold on right now, we’ll get through to the next moment, and the next, and so on.


I decided to start asking myself this question every day. I’ve begun to recognize and be thankful for the small miracles in my day to day living. Sleeping through the night without any back pain, walking up the steps without feeling exhausted, getting through each treatment with minimal side effects, eating without feeling nauseous. I’ve also started again to focus on what I can do as opposed to what I can’t. I may not be able to go for a walk on this beautiful sunny day, but I can sit on the deck for a while with the dogs and enjoy the breeze. I can’t walk around the mall, but I can make it to the theater and enjoy a movie with my husband. I can’t run the women’s 5K this year or even walk it, but I can lift small weights while sitting on the couch. I may not weigh what I want or need to, but I can count calories and do my best to eat healthy, nourishing foods. I may think that chemo is the devil in an IV bag, but I can also believe that it’s doing its job to get my cancer under control. I’m also reminded of the things I’ve never stopped being thankful for, like my incredible husband, our awesome family and friends, the animals we’ve saved that continue to enrich our lives and those three miracle embryos that we created.


Everyone gets down every now and then. We all fall into bad habits, whether they are physical, emotional or spiritual. I’m proof that even the most positive people have bad days, weeks, months, etc. But if we find just one small thing to rejoice in each day, we can put ourselves on the road to recovery. So the next time you’re feeling down and out ask yourself where you are right now and seek out the little miracles in your life.